Making New Memories

...................................................

2010-05-04T02:10:00.001-07:00

I want to be able to say: UGH DUDE...FUCK LIFE...I WANT TO FUCKING DIE..THEN MOVE ON...WITHOUT ANYONE STOPPING AND THINKING WAY TOO MUCH INTO IT...I WANT TO SCREAM LEAVE ME ALONE...WITHOUT ANYONE GETTING OFFENDED..I WANT TO POST THIS...WITHOUT SOMEONE LECTURING ME ABOUT IT LATER.
CAN ANYONE RELATE?

I hate everyone

2010-05-04T02:04:00.000-07:00

and i want to fix it.
I feel that everyone hates me now. because of all the hate I've been projecting.
I used to love people.
not they all have already let me down.
Ive experienced them all.
and I'm done. I feel that it can be over and....
I will be okay with that.
so yeah.
maybe I need something new.
I need something new
hey god!
i need something new.
please help me.
I want to rip all the old out,.

YOU KNOW?

2010-03-30T01:54:00.001-07:00

YOU KNOW YOU STARE A LOT?

jfdka;

2009-11-30T01:23:00.000-08:00

Remember that guy...
im back at that moment. In that room.
scared the shit out of me. ive never been so uncomfortable.
father of 7. that fucking pervert.

that fucking pervert.
what a fucking disgusting human. makes me sick.
i am just as uncomfortable right now.

you men make me fucking sick. you fucking perverts.

New Blog For Lots O' Crap

2009-11-09T15:38:00.000-08:00

find it and follow

Lots O' Crap's Blog..its got a calendar of events and some other stuff soon.

lotsocrapzine.blogspot.com

tell me

2009-09-29T02:27:00.001-07:00

how to snap out of it.
tell me what will make it go away.
i love you , but there's really no reason that i should.
you leave me.
you dont call.
you're full of excuses.
you fuck with my feelings.
you've fucked with my life.
my plans.
and i HATE YOU.
i hate you.
just leave me already
one more time
forget me
and
make sure
that when you come back
you dont call
because
maybe ill be happier.
all this "love"
needs to leave me.
its draining.
my body is light
i feel so vacant.
youre rude.
you hurt me.
you're dumb.
its over.

I AM

2009-09-29T02:26:00.000-07:00

DONE.

I'm Spent

2009-09-18T01:32:00.000-07:00

I've spent most of my day slumped over on the couch.
with my head down and the T.V. on mute.
if I wasn't slouching dramatically
I was lying on my stomach with my face planted into the "cushion", and a jacket over my head.
sad inside.
a deep burning that I knew too well.

I'll always only fall for the boys who roll excuses off their tongues constantly.

This time, I'm going to fall hard.

Remember your stories, when we first met?
you'd call me at 1am just to say hi because you we're driving home.

I'd jump out of the bed i was sharing and run to the kitchen so i could talk to you.

(you would never know that)

you'd ask about my day, or tell me about yours.
and we'd be happy.

i miss that.

now.
he's here.
in my life.
and i love him.
but i wish i didn't.
becuase although he "loves" me back
he's got his mind elsewhere.
and i can't wait.
i can't be second best.
i can try. i would try. i will try.
but i'm hoping that this will fade over time.
a week into the tour, maybe I'll hate him.
and we'll cancel our plans to run off and get married.
that'd be swell, and so much more easy than love.

for the both of us.

my hearts beating strong in my chest.
i can feel it everywhere.

i had a panic attack today.
that was not fun.
but i realized it was triggered by the situation the thought of not having him and not having you still.

the endless cycle of excuses
"i want a girlfriend...just one that i like"
"you're just too young"
"romantic relationships can be hell"
now
"i do like you, and i do love you, but we can't be affectionate until after november"

your thoughts?

read slowly.

2009-09-12T17:17:00.000-07:00

Remote control
controls me.
days pass weeks.
weeks.
weeks pass.
I'm more ambitious than ever!
"please don't write in my notebooks!"
Its like everything we do becomes public.
but please just shut your mouths, and take another drink.
I am no her.
The pill popper, feel sorry me girl that i was once compared to.

yeah

2009-09-12T17:15:00.001-07:00

I will fight with you
against you
beside you
and for you
if i must.

He says I'm feisty, he has his reasons.
I know I have my moments, but don't act like you don't.
you strike me as
closed minded
afraid
and not feisty enough!

I will fight with you
against you
beside you
and for you.

"Dramatic"

2009-09-12T17:09:00.001-07:00

The sun is burning out now
and I think it's safe to say the season's over
(accepting change is harder than you think)
The days, becoming gray.
all creatures hiding away now...
and I think it's safe to say, that summer's over.

come lie with me.
be my king.
we've been running around for too long
and I know you think I'm too young
(people think I'm too young)
But I've been living the same days as you have
and on this same earth.
worlds apart
I'm still here
and so are you.

I'll take you back to silence
the black of your mothers womb
there, you were the same as i once was
you were.
you were.

NO.

2009-08-25T03:07:00.001-07:00

built to take your breath
birthed to stop your tears

constructed to hold your hands
composed to swallow your fears

forged for your personal use
fabricated to kiss your cheek

spawned to hold you close
shaped to make you weak

planned to be your muse
produced to make you sweat

created to fill your mind
conceived to make you forget

framed to fit perfectly
formed to make you dream

molded to make you smile
made to hear you scream

evolved to change you
established to be your soul

induced to make you warm
instigated to make you whole

you.

2009-08-24T05:15:00.001-07:00

He came in and he kissed me.
not right away of course, it would have been too dramatic.
we let the moment make itself happen
JUST THE WAY
I LIKE.
with the one I liked.
it was all right.
aaaalll right.

you were so perfect.
you were so perfect because in my head over time,
after all the late night phone calls, and all the unusual kindness,
I built you up in my head to be this awesome, caring, loving, person.
you were that person. you are.
but just not for me.
you could waltz in whenever you wanted, and then waltz right out.
waltz. dancing. dancing always because walking is just too normal.

To think that you wanted me the same was...
overwhelming.
but, of course, unreal.

you tried. we tried. i tried.
to keep our head in the clouds as long as possible and make it real, make it happen.
because we both wanted someone.
it wasn't as if we just chose, ANYONE.
we were carefully in choosing each other.
we wanted our Ideas to be real.
i thought i could change you to be happy.
you thought you could try and be happy.

you came in and you kissed me.
always, leaving me trembling.
weak in the knees.
wanting more
and I remember it so clearly.
fascinating that my memory can hold things like that and not my childhood.
or my past homes or friends.

remember our first one?
so good...
if only..
well you know.

and remember that one time??
yeah you know, "THAT ONE TIME."

i felt so lucky.

you did too.
and you kept calling. you called more.
we were convinced.

for a while.

what happens happens.
what happened happened.
I'm glad to have met you.
and to have had you.
and loved you.

I loved you.
you would never know.

keep your head in the clouds baby.
don't come down, its lonely here.

read the whole thing.

2009-08-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

I've been looking for work for MONTHS. Since I've been back from Chicago I've had a total of 3 interviews...all the other Jobs i applied for never called me back. and when I called them back, well they just didn't want to talk to me.

All 3 of those 3 interviews were interviews for places that my friends worked at.

The first one...I got hired. I was excited.
went to take my drug test.
passed.
and never heard back.
so i called.
and apparently I did not pass the background check.
I have a misdemeanor (that in it self is another Long story of me getting screwed over by life.)
so there went that chance.

The next interview I had was at a coffee bean.
I'd say the interview went well.
the girl said she'd call me for sure, and if she didn't to call her a week from that day..on a Monday
so i waited a week...
and began to call her. every time anyone answered they said she was busy.
one time she answered and said she was busy and to call her back. i called for about a month...
but at this point i was too embarrassed to go in the store and ask. so i just let it go assuming she did not want to hire me.

The 3rd interview i had was this last one.
it went well and i was hired.
GREAT RIGHT??
SO excited.

she asked me to come in today (Sunday)
and fill out the rest of the paper work.
so i woke up early
after 4 hours of sleep.
got in the shower.

while i was in the shower my friend that got me the job called and said he had bad news.
"apparently my district manager doesn't want us working together, so don't come in, my boss is gonna call you later and tell you, I'm sorry"
SO........

THERE GOES THAT.

I've seen more spine in Jelly fish.

2009-08-11T03:44:00.000-07:00

"not that you're too young - i'm too old."

^$#&Q*($&!@#$(

2009-07-21T02:44:00.000-07:00

I MISS HIM SO MUCH.
SO MUCH.

remembering growing up

2009-06-23T08:28:00.000-07:00

remembering growing up.
its just like right now.
its all the same really.
i have a sore throat.
and a new book.
ive got to get rid of things too.
bad habits and love interests that are getting me nowhere.
theyre only taking me to san francisco for a few hours.
to come back and be back where i started.

i feel like

2009-06-18T03:47:00.000-07:00

I'm being undone. out done.
overdone.
underdone.
huh? who? what?
i feel like this weekend is going to be hell
i might just be the loneliest person on the planet.
left to guard the RV.
or something. until SF
then ill become a nervous wreck. i need to start smoking pot.
or just be as drunk as possible.
no no no. not the answer.
not the answer at all.

I'm in a state of panic.
I don't know what to do.
I feel so alone.
so fucked.
so fucked. and afraid of whats to come. so confused.
no real plans. only ideas.
only waiting...i hate waiting.
I'm becoming the most impatient person i know.
i don't like impatient people.

maybe ill stop liking myself.
then become suicidal. that would be interesting.
i could never think of wanting to kill myself. its just stupid.

i feel like the whole world is going to fall apart. break apart.
and I'm going to fall through the cracks and straight to hell.
(literally)
there's huge explosions.
while I'm in a car.
lights int the sky that make me question my whole reality.
i question them out loud.
hear the answer i dread.
then boom.
I'm floating.
and its over.
and it starts over.
and i don't know where ill be when this really happens
when i really float and fall. and it terrifies the fuck out of me not knowing what is going on.

I'm feeling a loss of control.
its intense.

its getting worse.
i care less.
i want to care more.
my heart races.
i lose my breath.
then i make it go away the only ways i know how. and wait until it comes back.

yes i know you're here to listen.
but you don't understand.
i remember Louie.

best connection i had. i felt.
understood everything.
but too good to accept it.
too into reality to accept it.

I'm glad though. i almost lost it there,
i don't want to lose it now.
i just want to be okay again.
i don't like this waiting game
this in between.
this this.

the tension builds.
the thoughts stir up the fears
in my head Melvin is going to kick me out tomorrow and hate me for forever
because its what i'm used to really
(like he said everything works in cylces)
and i don't want that anymore
I'm trying really hard
I'm feeling like my life is going to be this endless cycle
repetition. hopes then failure.
repetition
(what we learn by)
until

until

I die.

this used to be all happy. now its not.

2009-06-17T03:25:00.000-07:00

oh well.
it is what it is.

know what its like
to be young and expecting so much?
to be young and in love?
the torture.
the time wasted on feelings that stop you from moving.

oh hey by the way

2009-06-14T05:02:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry.
we would end up hating each other anyways.
i do not feel comfortable following along that path.
self destruction it is.
no thank you.
again, I'm sorry.
you re nice.
but not my type.
and now in your eyes i am a monster I'm sure.
go find your crevice elsewhere.
leave me to my world.
again, lo seinto.

It's Pretty Much Five In The Morning.

2009-06-14T04:52:00.000-07:00

I had a good day today.

wait wait...let me start over.

Dear Diary, I had a good day today.
(smiles)
(giggles)

all cute and fun. all fun and cute.
I feel accomplished.
made some zines.
said some things that needed to be said.
worried that those things might backfire.
I'm sorry Matt, it just had to be.
Joseph is great.
and fun.
left me smiling just the way i like.

went "clubbing" last night
with Ivan and Michael.
so fun.

i don't remember what i did the night before that...oh yeah
Kevin and i went to the art walk
and walked around.
then we crashed at Melvin's.
fun nights. fun times.
loving life and living it like
today is the last day
although today is the first day.
oh no
oh no
oh gee.
its time
to sleep.
goodnight.??

you stayed up to have a conversation and now its nearly 6am

2009-06-09T05:42:00.000-07:00

you stayed up to have a conversation.

to feel right

to feel okay

to hear and say I LOVE YOU
so you can sleep well
better than you would've
and now the sun is up.
and ready.
to watch you sleep.

sleep when the sun comes up.
because it feels good and reminds you of those days you never slept at all.
those days when you felt most alive and most deserving of it.

Hot summer days and long hungover bike rides back home.
for more sleep.
while the sun is up.
we sleep.

6am..
still trying to make it home on the subway.
the train ride with you was comforting.
holding you holding me felt right.

steel drum parade at 2am in the middle of Brooklyn.
STILL.
trying to make it back home.

the sun is up...
and we're knocking out.
falling asleep
when the sun comes up
is the most comforting feeling.

(i just wish i had more memorable nights.
so maybe i could sleep the way i should, and wake up when the sun comes up,..)

but when you're up late thinking of me.
remember how we slept while the sun was up.
and remember why we never slept in the first place.

....5

2009-06-09T05:08:00.000-07:00

text to Chris at 5am.
"Good morning. I miss you. bye."

fair enough.

i rememer

2009-06-09T05:04:00.000-07:00

always being compared.
and always being forgotten.
it seems that nothings changed.
you are all the same.
yawn.

THIS PAST WEEKEND WAS EPIC

2009-06-09T03:27:00.001-07:00

I had a lot of fun at Cochina Fest.
the second day was the best.
id post photos but theres waaaaaay too many.
so if you want to see them go to my myspace page. they're there
because myspace does it automatically for you.

myspace.com/makingnewmemories

stabbing.

2009-06-05T05:01:00.001-07:00

this is now a serious problem.
i cannot sleep.

for anything. my body is tired and everything.
but....
i cant sleep.
my mind wont let me.
im sooooo scared of all these bullshit things
and right now the weather isnt helping.

right now.
the weather isnt helping. i hate lightning and thunder.
itll set off more thoughts.

i wish i could sleep.

but no matter what..
I NEED TO WAKE UP BEFORE NOON. and i will.

Setting Goals and keeping them

2009-06-05T04:45:00.000-07:00

washing my hands.

tomorrow. (today)
wake up..
wake at 11am.
go fill out that application.

come back clean clean clean clean
for party. For. me. For melvin.
:0

then feel better.

I miss you. too much for my own good.
and I've lost myself now.

theres no feeling like it

2009-06-04T03:00:00.000-07:00

LOVE.

or....

xanax
valium
good friends....
and sugar cookies.

3:01am

feeling this good. talking to old lovers through the interweb.
and listening to

Latcho Drom - Taraf de Haidouks

like what the hell??
when do you ever get this feeling??

and at the same time..
i feel lonely and abandoned.
but COMPLETELY fine with it. accepting of it.
ruling out all reality.

sugar cookies.
sugar coated life.

man.....

oh man.....

R.I.P. Brownie

2009-06-03T01:45:00.001-07:00

:(
Brownie passed may 7th.
i found out may 23rd.
she was one of two of my first puppies.
I loved her.

and there are

2009-06-01T01:54:00.000-07:00

times like this when i feel strong enough.

when I bring myself back to reality
and put the wall up.

I just have to keep in mind that
things dont always go the way you want them to
wait..
huh?
everyday is a constant reminder of that.
(hahahahahaha)

fuck you.

i wish

2009-06-01T00:24:00.000-07:00

I were nicer.
or people were just more understanding and accepting.
this attitude is just honesty
i don't have the energy like the rest of you to pretend.
so its all here. out in the open.
fuck you.

i mean it was nice talking to you too.

im feeling

2009-05-31T20:04:00.001-07:00

annoyed.

someone make it stop.

i just want to relax

what do you mean you still feel dead inside?

2009-05-31T14:11:00.001-07:00

refer to yourself in third person.
the whole time i was just thinking
I'm sorry that I'm not her...
your exceptional girl
with the beautiful face
the one that will never want you.
I'm sorry.
its just me.

you know im a sucker

2009-05-31T03:55:00.000-07:00

for...
romance
affection
kisses
words
your lips
your taste
your funny way of coming in and out of my life.

funny how things work

2009-05-31T03:46:00.000-07:00

I was never as into you
as I find myself into
my long distance romances

The day after writing my long summary of longing for that feeling back.
he came over
from SF
brought me food.
and kissed me that way that he does.
maybe I kissed him
but he kissed back in the most willing way.
he kissed back as if he'd been craving a kiss.
I know i had.
he left me shaking in my shoes...
he always leaves me wanting more.
he's always "got to go"
and its always back to wherever is far away from what we could be.
however...

I'm glad he came.
but sad he left.
and now im here passing love notes to strangers
wishing that the boy I want would want me bad enough to try.

wishing that that other dull boy would give me my things back
wishing that i could get myself together and stop thinking about the kiss.
or any kisses.

and all i remember

2009-05-28T04:02:00.000-07:00

"All i can remember from back then
was his kiss.
and how we could make it last for hours.
and all i could remember was his taste.
and how the feeling was mutual.
we could never get enough.
his kiss his kiss
our kiss.
the kiss.
that one kiss.
the only time.
its all i can remember. there are other things
there were other perks
there was so much to look forward to.
and only things to look forward to
but then to only be let down
again
and again
by reality and him
the distance
the lack of effort
circumstance
and all the things i was willing to look past...
still nothing but let down.
only because i got my hopes up.
only because i knew that HE was what i wanted.
and only because his kiss was and still is all i can remember."
-found my notebook.
and it reminded me
of that.
that kiss
that situation
that LOVE
strong love
i want it back.
i want it mutual.
passion.
phone calls.
affection even from afar.
oh shit.
Ive been too honest.
yes you think this is about you...
and
YOU think this is about SOMEONE ELSE...
but no.
no no no.
its just a memory...
and just a few words strung into sentences...
for me.
for my loneliness.

you'll miss me when im gone.

2009-05-28T03:31:00.000-07:00

im not a raging beetles fan
but this is appropriate.
copy and paste
or just get the hint.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSPmb0a5vZA

summary.

2009-05-28T02:31:00.000-07:00

today.
awoke at noon fourty four. almost ONE.
(12:44 almost 1:00)
text my friends...brushed my teeth.
then ate.
watched MTV cribs.
why??
because im jealous.
and angry at them for wasting all their money.
or spending it. who needs their own theatre.
as much as i would maybe want a walk in closet and 5 cars.
its unnecessary.
FML.

anyways.,,..then i got up
cleaned.
mopped.
did the dishes
did lcundry then got hungry and ate again
and watched more ridiculous television
all while i was waiting for my zune to charge because thats my source of music.

then.........
went back to cleaning.

Ivan from highschool called
said he wanted to hang and "get coffee" or something...
so i agreed.
but first i had to use the steamer thing in melvins shower.
which i am ever so grateful for.
sit in there for 30 minutes and just melt all your cares away.

so i did.

then i actually showered.
when i got out we caught some of the laker game.
which i never do. EVER>
but it was on.,..and i kept my eye on the ball

my favorite thing about games like that....
or this.
or whatever...
is that you KNOW everyone in Los Angeles is watching too.
and you can hear most people on the block shouting and cheering when something happens
its all happening at the same time.
and you feel so NOT ALONE.

like when the lights go out on your block and things happen in this order
.you look around..make sure your lights are REALLY out.
look outside to see if everyones lights are out.
then open your door and go outside
to see if your neighbors came outside
to see if they were the only ones with the lights out.
and then....everyone on the block is looking outside
and saying "oh you too?"
"yeah all the powers gone"
"oh okay"
then back inside.

light a candle and wait.

................
anyways that was the Laker game..
then i went online to hit up tha peeps.

then Ivan came over and we all decided to make food and get some alcohol.
so well i made patties
the guys went to get drinks.
then we ate.
then we drank
then.....
I was dragged to club MOSCOW?
my first time going.
i went in and was immediately annoyed.....
i wanted to punch everyone in the face.
they played all this poppy shit.
then "lets get physical"
which was also very cliche and annoying.
i sat down because i was completely uncomfortable

with all those jackasses

as soon as i sat down.....
a fight broke out between two guys

over a girl i think
the girl being near by got knocked to the ground then the guy who initiated the fight KICKED her
in the head.
i was so irritated.
guy got dragged out by bouncers
then the girl was crying and holding her head

then my friend came over and made me dance

so i did.

then he went on the podium thing.
or whatever and i stayed below.

out of nowhere a guy from OUT OF NOWHERE came and asked me to dance
he was tall
African American
with a fro and a pick and wearing all black
which is awesome on some men.
and he had these really great shoes.

anyway..
when i saw him i kept thinking ain't to proud to beg
because he danced so well and was snapping his FAngers.
hahhaha lots of fun
then it was two and i needed water so i got some and left.
on my way out. i started sneezing hardcore.
like every 10 seconds a brutal sneeze would come and boogers would fly everywhere so i rushed home and took some claritin.
i Ive been home for an hour and have barely stopped sneezing.
i am so exhausted and I'm sure I'm going to be sore tomorrow.
i dont like clubs.
i don't like allergies.
i hate dumb arrogant bitches.
i hate all that horrible MGMT they played and that ridiculous rap.
and all those stupid hats you fucking jackasses wear.
ugh...................
at least i had fun though

i guess if you go to a club
let your friend pay for admission
close your eyes and dance til it closes...you cant go wrong.
but really there is no need to associate with those people.
yawn.
sigh
my weekend just ended and has now begun again

RELATIONSHIPS..
none.

i don't want any.
unless its meaningful.

i need meaningful.
i need romance.
i need affection.
i want that back.
or renewed.

ignore me
oh shiiiiiit.
this is why i say I'm needy.

i lead a pretty normal day
if i would've gone to the mall that would've made everything about even.
because today was bizarre.

i dont consider these poems...but theyve been called that.

2009-05-25T03:29:00.000-07:00

listening to felt drawings.
feeling left out
in a weird day.
I'm so caught up
but so left behind.
and I'm afraid i will be for forever
this isn't how i pictured it.
and definitely not what i wanted or imagined.
like i said.
i need passion and romance and effort.
minus idiocy and ignorance.
unfortunately......
well fortunately.
no no UN fortunately.
I'm not going to finish this sentence

listening to felt drawings..

the show yesterday was a lot of fun. a huge fest put together by Julie and Angela
i helped out as much as possible.
Long day. then i went over to the Vermont house for an awesome party.
it was packed and everyone was there.
i didn't leave til 4 am. SO fun.
thanks to my friends who showed just to see me.

then today when i woke. i got ready and took my time heading over to l'keg gallery for the unofficial hangover party with mimosas and sangria..
about ten bands played but i only saw 3 because i got there late.
there was a good amount of people. and Dylan Doren was passed out drunk.
drooling...it was the best..
then after Matt's mishaps.
Pablo and i headed over to ports o call for the one year anniversary show.
which was fun although it ended at midnight.!!!!!
just got home and now I'm listening to felt drawings
former ghosts
railcars (mostly<3)
and white leopards. :)

ggggoooooooooooooooooddddddnight..sincerely, yours always.,.
-third wheel.

it seems like

2009-05-20T02:59:00.000-07:00

staying inside is the way to go.
or going out only alone.
a phone call from Doug at 3am confirmed that were all sick of this.
and were not alone in it.

its all just too much.

shit

2009-05-20T00:22:00.000-07:00

i want love and passion.
wtf is this shit??
i want want and need.
i want balloons
and flowers.

vicente fernandez...por tu maldito amor

2009-05-17T18:56:00.000-07:00

oh man.

The day that I found you enamors to me,
You you know that I never have denied it,
With viciousness you managed to me to drive crazy,
and the promise fell in your deluded trap,
Of soon all that I finish,
You needed I to adore to us you sank to Me in the forgetfulness
to believe
That at you the years
By your damn love
would never arrive
I cannot finish with so many pains
Wanted to burst to me until the veins
By your damn love
By your damn love
By your damn love
Profit not to accommodate
to my feelings and the soul to me is continued consuming
By your damn love,
by your damn love
and or for which I want the tomb
If or you buried to me in life
I do not want that you never return
I do not prefer the defeat between my hands
If your name as much
I pronounced Today look at me
yesterday breaking the lips to me
By your damn love
I cannot finish with so many pains
Wanted to burst until the veins
By your damn love
By your damn love
By your damn love
profit to me not to accommodate my feelings
and the soul to me is continued consuming
By your damn love,
by your damn love
By your blessed love.

another translated version which is way less awesome..

The day I found you I fell in love,
You know that I have never denied it,
and purpose you made me go crazy for you,
And I fell into your trap of illusion
Suddenly everything was over,
You failed the promise to adore us,
You made me sink into oblivion of belief,
You won’t ever reach the years
Cursed by your love,
I can not finish with so many penalties
I want to burst my veins
Cursed by your love,
Cursed by your love,
Cursed by your love,
I fail to accommodate my feelings,
And my soul, is still consuming me,
Cursed by your love, Cursed by your love.
So why would I want the tomb,
If you buried me alive.
I never want you to return,
I prefer the defeat of my hands,
If I was pronouncing your name yesterday,
look at me today I’m breaking my lips.
Cursed by your love,
I can not finish with so many penalties
I want to burst my veins
Cursed by your love,
Cursed by your love,
Cursed by your love,
I fail to accommodate my feelings,
and my soul, is still consuming me,
cursed by your love, Cursed by your love,
For your bless love.

skating and loving it.

2009-05-17T17:54:00.001-07:00

its almost like watching skate videos before you go out and skate.
it gets you all pumped up while youre getting ready
then you go out there more motivated than before to do your best and have fun with it.
the background music helps.

for me. its listening and watching and setting up all the shows and getting ready for all the events that gets me stoked to have a good time.??
you know what i mean.
shut up.

upcoming...coming up.

2009-05-17T14:12:00.001-07:00

choking.

2009-05-16T21:05:00.000-07:00

I'm back in my world.
all things are fine.
these bus tokens came in handy.
I passed the test.
now i know i only have to take one train back.
they took too long with my order at McDonald's
so the guy gave me a size upgrade
which i thought was fucking awesome.
I felt so lucky.

I'm picky when it comes to picking a place to sit.
I picked the wrong one.
the man next to me made me depressed.
he was talking about a time he used to work on a TV show.
it was a talk show net work or something i don't know. i don't even know what that is
if that's what he was talking about.
but the depressing part was
that one of his guest on this talk show
asked that his identity be hidden because he was wanted by the mob.
the mafia. whatever.

they had the light behind him so you could only see his silhouette
they used the voice scrambler so he sounded like a robot.
and then he told his story.
no details from the man at McDonald's.
just basics.
the man had gambling debts.
and his family left him.
his wife and kids.
his whole life..
just gone.
so much so that his identity needed to be hidden.
because someone was out to get him.
can you imagine having to live like that?
anyway.

it made my stomach turn. i think the point of the man in McDonald's telling this story to the woman he was with, a colleague maybe, was to make a point that GAMBLING IS WRONG.
hahahha
i know this because before i sat down the first words i heard him say were "People need god in their lives...everyone does"
and that's what had made me want to sit there in the first place.
i was attracted to the vibe i thought id get by overhearing a conversation about religion or something.
because i myself do not have the courage to have a conversation of my own like that with other people.
but like i said i was wrong. it was just a depressing story.
that made me not want to eat.

so i moved.
to the other side of the restaurant. along the same wall but on the other side of a divider so i could only hear him vaguely and didn't have to listen.

the woman i sat next to this time was an older woman.
too old to walk.
just old.
i always hate seeing older people eat McDonald's.
it makes me feel like they're just doing themselves in faster.
anyway i sat there because i knew shed be quiet and knew that me sitting there wouldn't bother her in the least.

I started eating.
two bites in. I'm day dreaming and stoked about the free upgrade of food.
(smiley face)
when the older lady starts to choke.
holy fuck.
exactly holy fuck.
i felt uncomfortable immediately.
i panicked inside and tried not to let it show.
all i could think was

"i hope shes okay..and i hope she stops choking soon, because I'm the only one near her and then Ill be obligated to rush to her side..and then what do i do? what the fuck do i do?

i cant help her.
i don't know
the Heinrich maneuver
if that's what its called.

i can ask her if shes okay but she wouldn't be able to answer me because shes choking.
and then what the fuck.
I'm not good with these things.
oh my god
oh my god
what do i do?
someone please notice her choking before its obvious that i have and haven't done anything."

she stopped choking. she was fine.
she just kept coughing.
i calmed down.
and finished my food.
and went back to being grateful for my free size upgrade.
oh yeah.

loveless with so much love to give

2009-05-16T19:24:00.000-07:00

that's how you feel right??
well. Its easier to walk away when there are no feelings involved.
unfortunately..there's always a feeling. you wanted to talk.
i didn't want to listen.
really..
why would I?
I'm glad that this is over.
and I'm glad that we've moved on.
I just hope there's no hard feelings.
I've cut a lot of ties this month.
a lot.
and I'm glad.
i feel a weight lifted off.
It wasn't easy.
because some of you i loved.
really.
but love
LOVE
LoVe
is not always as pleasant as we think.
LOVE is torture.
love is hell.
and completely unreal.?
love is like Santa.
the forged signature on gifts from your family members and co workers.
"from Santa" you always thought you were getting gifts from Santa.
shit,.
i love love.
love
love
like a unicorn we all wish it existed.
we dream about it.
and wish it.
and want it.
but no..sorry.
no unicorns..

I'm not stoned i don't smoke pot.
i just have this thing for really bad analogies.
love me. let me love you.
it doesn't even have to mean anything.
just let someone love you for once.
maybe you deserve it.
or maybe you deserve this.
i don't even know.

"you are beautiful my love
beautiful beyond compare
absolutely flawless."

listen.
listen.

yesterday i got stranded in west LA. near Culver city. in fact, it might have been Culver city.
not sure. doesn't matter.
i was stranded somewhere far and absolutely did not have the energy or patience to take the 2 hour bus ride that was ahead of me.
fuck that.
really.
but i did it anyways.

lucky me there was an accident.

so the bus took a detour.
that added another 30 minutes onto my ride.

...horrible.
i wanted to scream.
i missed my 2nd bus and had to wait for the next.
i was so wound up and frustrated i didn't make it back here til 8pm and left and 4 or five.
it was just ridiculous.
so i came "home" and Melvin made me a drink.
a mojito.
turned the sauna on for me.
and i sat in there. for 30 minutes then showered. felt so much better.

all i had wanted all day was to shower.

Emma Tookie and Blake
came over and we all went to
L'keg gallery for the Paper Rainbow show.
..i got really drunk.
things happened. that were not good.
but i don't feel as bad as i probably should.

Anthony got kicked out. because hes just that kind of guy.
Andy came home with me. so did emma and Tookie.
we all crashed at Melvin's
and i threw up last night while Andy held my hair back.
there's nothing like having someone hold your hair back while you're puking.
its stupid i know.
but i felt so special.
so thanks Andy.

today.
Azmat is in for a week from Chicago.
glad to see him. hes always a load of fun.
we went to the beach.
Venice. he'd never been.
took Andy home after.
and now I'm here.

Matt is in the bay area i believe..and i miss him a little. :0
surprising really. that its only a little.
Emma is asleep where i want to be asleep...
everyone is napping.
and i wish i were napping but don't really have a place for that.

tonight
VOLTS! is crashing here.
yay!

i really want flowers.
i wish someone would buy me flowers.
or a balloon. you know how i feel about balloons.
all of them.

What tonight brings...
I still don't know.
but here I sit.
loveless with so much love to give.

thanks for listening. its been fun. follow me on twitter.....NOT. F-T H A T S H I T.

taco??

2009-05-15T15:52:00.000-07:00

today started off rather rocky..but i think i have the opportunity to turn it around.

i need to eat though and make it home.

things are straightened out on most angles. i just have too many friends.
and need to cut the numbers down.

then i can settle maybe.

theres so much to get done

oh but HEY LUSH have fun its the weekend.
right??
right.
<3

i want a taco

i wish i could kiss you now and make you feel better

2009-05-14T20:48:00.000-07:00

I passed the pissed test.
I haven't completely failed life.
yet.

smell now.
debaser
moment trigger
AMK
dirty branchez

later.

Baby oh Baby

2009-05-14T05:11:00.000-07:00

I'VE GOT SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE.

JUNE 19th @T the smell.

its about holding eachother during a thunder storm.

2009-05-14T03:55:00.000-07:00

Its not what you think. this isn't depression. its just my wandering mind following my lost and confused over dramatic heart.

its not what you think...
its exactly what you see.

what happened to all the good people? Ive found myself thinking thoughts that make me feel like a bad person. all my morals and beliefs just disappeared.

my heart hurts for this girl
what the hell got her in this situation?? shes so sweet...but so fucked up. and she needs to stay here and not wander around in the blacked out streets.

i should switch to live journal.
i should switch to life.

went to an interview today. it went well. i got offered the position but now i need to take a drug test and pass a background check..
so basically i think I'm fucked.
i don't do drugs really. in fact the main reason i wasn't smoking pot was just encase i came across the situation where i got offered a job then got denied it because of failing a stupid drug test.

I'm nervous.
two weeks ago.
bob pressured me into it while i was drunk. its not his fault though i have no spine.
really.

i took one hit from him cute little pipe. and that was it.
it was the first time in almost 8 months i think. earlier i thought it was a year or two but NO. if i think back i had another incident like this last one where i took ONE HIT. JUST ONE from my friends pipe during the winter. in Chicago.

it had already been 7 months that time too.
why the fuck do i even smoke pot??? its such a waste of time.
i mean i love it.
but its so bad. it makes me fat and lazy..and i don't work out enough to keep off the weight.
i don't even know. what I'm saying.
i just don't want to smoke weed. so please don't tell me that i want to...I'm pretty positive that i don't.

capitalize my eyes please. i cant do it on my own. (spell check)

I've been drinking too much too. but somehow managing to get things done.
its strange. when i don't drink and go out I'm way lazy and UN motivated.
when I'm fucked up i wake up early..from feeling sick...and get so into getting things done. things that i WANT to do.

Things that i want.
man i want so much.
we all want so much. but were only willing to give so little.
i want to be able to write and have it make sense. more sense.
cents even. money.

i want a job....the chance to go back to school.
a divorce.
god i want a divorce SO Soo badly.
i shouldn't have to pay for it. holy crap i just realized that.

I wanted Chris ...fuck i wanted that to happen.
I also used to want Ben back.
what the hell was i thinking?? i mean gee Kevin too??

Kevin never cared about me..never gave a shit about anyone but Yara.
and every detail of her life. my god. i don't know what the hell i was thinking. i just always hope that ill find honesty in some of these people.
Ben...oh please.
I'm glad i left him
thanks so much to Natalie.
a friend of his actually picked me up after he left me at his place in tears...
she picked me up and told me "dude...i know him...hes no good"
and I'm glad i left.
i got my things and said peace..although i loved him..it wasn't worth all that unnecessary drama.
but Chris...so awesome. so easy going so cool.
then so far away. it never happened. it happened once.
or a few times. it was oh baby baby baby.
lovely. i miss you. lay in my bed with me, hold me hug me kiss me. goodnight good morning BUT ONLY THROUGH. phone calls and texts. long distance nonsense that always had me feeling good..........
then bad.,.

so hurt

and let down.

because it just wont happen from LA to SF.
no no no. not possible.

"I'll visit you"
yet every time you've come to LA...we haven't hung out

so now you understand why i turned down all my chances to go up there and see you???
I'm so sick of the way things work.
i would've gone just to see you and just to be let down again.
just to get my hopes up and just to get them broken.

I'm such a girl look at me.
its 4 am and I'm writing a blog about love.
not love...I'm sorry i never loved any of you truly. i wanted to. but no.

this blog is just about how i feel right now. which is girlie in itself. but fuck it.
you read it and you can stop whenever you like.

there's so much to say right now.
so much i want OUT.
but its too personal.

NEW NEWS??

Monday night...
Pehrspace was AWESOME. everyone who performed was really good. especially Birth!
duh? i was so wasted. and didn't even have the intention of drinking that night.
but thanks for the beers everyone.
:)

last night everyone flaked...(which is upsetting)
friends just kept letting me down. whatever. they all have the usual GOOD excuses.
oh man excuses.
F em.

lately...
i think Ive been seeing someone.
someone awesome.
so nice;
sincere;fun;genuine;handsome (in a bro kind of way);outgoing;caring;honest;smelly;normal.
he brings out more good in me than anyone lately.
he makes me happy. its weird.

hes not my boyfriend. but hes got potential. I'm still not sure how i feel about it.
things are just going so well, or so OKAY...that I'm sure ill get bored or fuck it up somehow.

but i don't want to. i think i really like him.
although

this week

i planned to hang out with Bergner...I'm glad i remembered how lazy he is. i don't like that.
and lately everyone has just been proving to me more and more that this sweet nice guy
that comes around often and is so supportive and fun....is just great to be around and all these fucked up people make me appreciate him more.

i don't know.
so complicated.
i want a camera.
and i want a dress.
i want stability.
but I'm not sure if i want a boyfriend because flirting is so much fun.
it makes me feel good. I'm just a dumb girl sometimes and i say these things.
but I'm sure you understand.

we are all going to die.

we are all going to Disney land.

sometimes things start with sometimes.
but that's only when i feel that I'm trying.
sometimes.
i want to move away again.
to Canada.
or Seattle. or somewhere else.
but then i forgot its not as easy as it was before to move around and live and survive.

Man life's been fun
so fun.
I'm so fucked up right now. just now though. not in the last paragraph the meds just hit me and its like whoa.

oohhh hey what...its like wow...ooooh hey...what....its like......its like wow-Hillary duff (i think)

such a lame song.

NO MORE ANALOG
no more analog
no more thinking about analog.
its all gone..
soon
it will all be

but hey lets keep creating and watch the world unfold.

I'm only 43 still a young man. who am i kidding. am i kidding anyone..

this may

just be

the longest

weirdest blog Ive ever written.

but i had fun doing it.

people are not worth it. I'm the only one worth devoting time to.
and then i get lucky and meet people who are sincere
and whom i share a mutual friendship with...Matt

and Melvin

spell check.
"waiter...check please"

i deserve the guy who wants to see me
and wants to be around me as much as i want to be around him
but he deserves and honest girl.
i dont deserve the flaky uncertain too laid back to care chris, ben, or kevin
in fact i dont even want that.

no see saw.
sitting on a bench
no up and down changing feelings unsure people.
its not about techincalities
its about holding eachother during a thunder storm.

MAY !0th..MOTHERS DAY

2009-05-11T02:57:00.000-07:00

yes it was supposed to be moms day. but really it felt like my own.
I did call her though.
and she sounded happy. and that made me content.
things have been so bizarre lately.
new people coming in and out of my life...strangely.
and new things happening.
but all the while i just feel so confused.....
hmm...
things will work out.

I'm so grateful for Melvin.
hes helping me so much. i want to like throw a party for him and make his band famous.
I'm so determined to do as much as i can for him hes such a good honest person. he deserves so much.

any who enough about him
i miss mike. :(
and i miss Chris Bergner.
and Saturdays at the beach.

this is what my day was like.
was cool. although i woke up late and missed my chance for a ride to the video shoot. things worked out. thanks to my new friend Julie.
so went acted like a dinosaur for Steven for a few hours for the Mika Miko video that is gonna be so exciting to see...

then got picked up and went to see The Vaselines..it was so GOOD.
ran into Moses Campbell kid there and Miles and Pat Regan went too. so fun.

i also got all my stuff back today....well most of it.

but this is really meant for the next part.....

DOES ANYONE WANT TO GO WITH ME TUESDAY TO THE PORTS O CALL SHOW IN WEST COVINA AND THE OLD CASA??
i REALLY WANNA GO BUT HAVE NO ONE TO GO WITH. LETS ALL CARPOOL ITS GOING TO BE A GREAT SHOW.
AND IF MELVIN COMES WE DON'T WANT HIM TO HAVE TO DRIVE,..WE WANT HIM TO GET FUCKED UP SO HE CAN ENJOY HIMSELF.
NOT THAT HE NEEDS TO.

any who..sleepy time now.
Matt is way ahead of me. (snore)
<333

2009-03-03T18:16:00.000-08:00

I cant pay rent right now. I cant find a job. i need a place to stay. help me out. just until march 16th. im allergic to cats. :/ let me know if you can help at all.

yes yes

2009-02-05T16:37:00.000-08:00

Last night was Nicole kidman
Anni Rossi
Whitman
no babies
and
Realicide
at the smell.  and it was so much fun. :)  tonight is this.  and it will be twice as fun. :)  
so come hang out. I've been glad to hand with all my friends who have come into town..from far away to hang out. 
my friend Alan came from his place in Vegas
 and spent an entire weekend with me and spoiled me rotten.. 
then my friend Chris Bergner showed and we had some fun too.   fun to see all these people i haven't seen in a while due to shows at the smell. i love the smell. time to go home now and make soup. :)

2009-02-01T15:55:00.000-08:00

Back in California now. rooming with Michael Nhat. rent is cheap..but with us both being jobless and broke its hard to even pay rent.
not to mention how hard it is for all Americans to find work.
exhale....
lets all let out an exhale.

thanks to all who came out for The So So Glos at the smell.

the next thing i have coming up is march 5that the smell
with so far only Michael nhat and Halloween swim team.

not to mention all the other epic and amazing shows that are coming up in between.
like tonight's Devon Williams and Calvin Johnson at the smell..
and tomorrow nights Gang Gang Dance with Haunted Graffiti

followed by the Anni Rossi Whitman tour whom i cant seem to get enough of.

wanna keep track of shows...?

www.thesmell.org
jrosowhat.blogspot.com
myspace.com/thesmell
myspace.com/portsocallbedroom

ive got a lot to do today...a lot.

2008-12-12T20:18:00.000-08:00

A day at work. Doing nothing. My co workers and friends. *smiley face*

This is Cherie, she's a sweetheart. This is Dan. Too cool for school.

This is Dom. and Jessica down at the kiosk. We made a Christmas orgy...or something like that. (we sold out of these.) Her given name is "COOLSTINA"

I bought bottle caps.

There's no place like home...

Every night,when they come home, they sit and argue.
It started snowing here recently.and thats all.

2008-12-12T16:23:00.001-08:00

So then came thanksgiving and all the malls were closed, which only meant one thing to us...

NO WORK FOR ANYONE!!! So, the night before we all decided we were going to wake up at 9am and go to Lake Michigan. In the morning...none of that happened. Instead Alit,Adiel,Matan,and i were the only ones who woke up. We woke at noon thirty, which was later than we expected, but still not too bad. Sahar and Yafit didn't want to get out of bed, Shabi did not want to go, and Alit was going to spend the day at her friend heelies house. So Matan, Adiel, and I got ready, and decided to go to the city for the first time together. We took pictures on the way.Then we had finally arrived, at the tourist part of downtown Chicago.

Then we watched people ice skate. I don't understand some mothers. there were several moms doing this with their kids and this kids were either really happy because they thought they were ice skating. or crying because they knew they really weren't. Their feet weren't even touching the ground.! if you look closely you can spot another mom doing the same thing in the background.!

We decided to go ice skating...well Adiel Decided that we'd be completely missing the point of having gone to Chicago in the first place if we didn't Ice skate....so we gave in, and he shut finally shut up.

After four hours of that, We drove around ended up at Navy Pier. Nothing was open but we could still get in and walk around,so we did, it was freezing.

2008-12-12T15:35:00.000-08:00

ME, MATAN,OHRAN,ALIT,MAY,EITAN,andADIEL.

They had never been to Dennys, and we had nowhere else to go.

Theyre like puppets when I have the camera. I made them do this. :)

Like i said...puppets.

Alit saw something she really really wanted from the claw machine...so she told Eitan that she would make 500 in sales the next day if he got it for her. He spent 30 dollars, and the whole night at the claw machine, trying to win that purple penguin. or at least thats what i think it was.

There was no one else in the Dennys, and us being the only crowd in there caught the attention of the manager. He asked us where we were from...they told him they were from israel. They talked about god and israel and all their beliefs. Then the manager helped us tilt the claw machine over so we can get free stuffed animals. and everyone got some! :)

2008-12-04T21:42:00.000-08:00

More pictures that i found in this computer.

Human pyramid at the smell.

shabat dinner.rashashanah???no clue how to spell it. but food was good.

2008-11-27T18:58:00.000-08:00

PICTURES!!!!!!! Fooling around at work with the stuffed animals. :)

T.O.L.

2008-11-26T20:26:00.001-08:00

so the last time i was on here trying to blog. my computer froze up and wouldn't let me do anything.
so i just gave up. and i haven't been online since.
all that I've been up to is working. fooling around at work. and working.
i went to a Matt and Kim show at the subterranean in Chicago. that was beyond epic.
then two weeks later or so.,.NO AGE came down and put me on the guest list last minute. that was loads of fun too. I met some studs and sold merch. for NO AGE.
i don't know why i feel the need for the band name to be in all caps.
but i do.
anyways. that's all that's happened lately.

aside from drama at home. most of my roommates are assholes. i really hate Yafit. and i wish she wasn't here. shes so shady and strange. it makes me uncomfortable. i don't want to go into detail but i haven't been staying at home lately. these assholes are accusing me of random bizarre shit. like stealing money from them and stuff. its bull. id never steal from them, nor accuse them of stealing from me.
Ive been avoiding this place as much as possible.
but you cant run from your problems.

right?
or can you?
ill post all those pics. that i meant to post a while ago, next time. or something.

tomorrow is thanksgiving.
i wish i were home.
unfortunately
I'm here. and will not have a nice dinner with people i love.,
maybe Alit and I will eat dinner together and give thanks.
:)
well.......they should be home any minute. so I'm about to crawl in a hole and die.
oh....they're here. lucky me.

2008-11-13T20:09:00.001-08:00

For some reason, I cant stop thinking about this past year. and how insane its been. of course, my whole life has been insane. but this past year was just filled with so many crazy, fun, epic, dramatic, life changing, sleepless, fucked up, warm, and scary, anxious, moments. its all such a blur because shit happened so fast. my mind is stuck in this weird place right now and lately.

its like jet lag. more difficult to explain than that, but...everything is still such a blur.

since the moment i rang in the new year..which i think was at my previous boyfriend Benjamin's house, i just cant remember a moment i didn't completely and entirely love life. I know I'm always saying "fuck life" and i seem so horribly sad, the truth is I'm really not. when i say FUCK LIFE..its only because i love it SO much..and i cant express it. i cant seem to ever find the words to show how i feel. so fuck life.

of course i get sad...everyone does. but that's all apart of it.

this past summer was the best summer i can remember. i mean every summer seems SO epic when you're young. no school...no obligations. just hanging out with friends in burning California.

this past summer, i felt like i was at the top of the world...and i wasn't alone in this. my boyfriend CROW and our good friend JON. a fucking team. all day everyday. just doing what we felt like.

Crow and i would ride our bikes to the store in the middle of the night and get a bunch of junk food and a bottle of wine. go back home...drink, eat, watch a movie. and just be. and yes...ill admit i miss the feeling, for the most part of our relationship i had a great feeling. until it all fell apart and ended horribly.

but this isn't a bad thing. i cant say that i hated this. i thought i did. but i don't. for its all those things that made me feel alive.

staying awake all fucking night until the sun came up, coloring, drawing, fighting, drinking,kissing,dancing,screaming, going to shows every night, going to Jon's, acting stupid, being rebellious, and never giving a fuck. it felt so good. SO good. i remember feeling delirious after days of not sleeping. riding my bike home falling asleep crashing into fire hydrants.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. the relationship isn't what made this though. that's not the point I'm trying to make. i mean it was fun and all having someone to be with all the time. someone who mostly felt the same as i did. but now, we both know its for the better.

but now that i have a job, no friends, and i live in Illinois...i feel so far from alive. i miss the crazy.

i want someone to just be on the same page and push me to live life...matans slightly knows what i mean. but most other people Ive met here are home bodies. no one wants to get drunk and never sleep. no one wants to be destructive..or creative...and look back at it and smile. it just seems SO sucky.

I'm not to sure what I'm getting at. this is just how i feel right now.

i want to feel alive again. with a group of friends. i cant stop thinking about all the people ive met. all the shows ive gone to. all the talks we had. all the crazy nights. all of it. everything. i want it again. i want to be at the smell serving coffee. charging people 5 bucks. i want to be at ports o call bedroom welcoming people into jons house. just all of that.

I'm thinking that shows here should be the only thing closest to that.

you know....just going to a show. being drunk...having that same feel in the room..all around...

everyone just happy to be there. i don't know fuck life.

like i said I'm having a major brain fart.

c'mere.

hold me.

i want

to feel

to touch.

to write.

to scream.

to drink with you.

to dance with you.

to not give a fuck or feel obligated to do anything but have a great time.

i want to waste time.

i want to feel like we have all the time in the world.

FUCK LIFE.

lets be friends.

cookies

2008-11-13T18:38:00.000-08:00

i woke up and wanted cookies. so alex took me to the store to buy cookie dough.

I JUST MADE COOKIES.

lately

2008-11-10T21:16:00.000-08:00

A few new things.a new girl came from israel. shes amazing. my new bestie! <3>her name is Alit. here she is making dinner.

my other new friend Alex and Sahar. matan i fucking love you. my three favorite people. *giggle*

Today Alit came home with spiked hair. I dont know i guess they got bored at work.

2008-10-29T21:02:00.000-07:00

Last night i got off work at 9:45pm. i was finally able to get a ride home from my roomates...they'll usually never pick me up.

In my apartment as of today lives...

MATAN
ADIEL

SAHAR

MAY

YAFIT

and ME.

I personally dont like YAFIT or ADIEL. Adiel complains a lot, and is somewhat obnoxious. and YAFIT had sex with my friend in my room. and she is just really stuck up.

MAY..is sweet, but crazy...and Sahar..well hes just hardheaded but allright when hes not being so overdramatic. MATAN i love with all my heart. hes a great person and fun to be with.

anywho..when we got home they said they were going to drink. they bought a bottle of jose cuervo(gross) and a case of heinekken.

I told them i didnt want to drink, because I honestly didnt want to. but...matan came over and forced me to. literally. he came to me and said "des..you drink jose cuervo or I kill you!"

so what choice did i have then right?

well i chugged. he chugged. we toasted to eachother. then the music went on. they all started dancing and jumping around because theyre crazy!

I usually dont even speak to most of them because their english is bad and i just dont like them very much, as you know. but we all bonded very well...of course...because we were drunk, very drunk. heres some pictures. keep in mind we are drunk..and the faces i make are a result of that.

Matan and I Matan, Sahar, and I. Adiel.
May and Yafit. these two had sex in my bed. and they were loud. and she is gross.May was wayyy-sted.

Matan was doing a flip...and fell and landed on the brick.

dancing?this night ended horribly. i was locked out of my room because that dumb bitch was fucking my friend. i ended up being the last one awake taking care of the drunk girl (shown above) in the batroom. it was awful. and it smelled. i ended up having to share a bed with matan...which was fine. but i still dont like the idea of some dumb bitch cumming all over my clean sheets. whatever..overall..fun night.

2008-10-26T18:32:00.000-07:00

look what you did. now im drunk.

2008-10-26T14:05:00.000-07:00

Today. Sunday. no work. home.Matan. pizza..and miley cyrus.
Matan came back from mexico last night. he brought me souvenirs. haha

2008-10-24T20:44:00.000-07:00

Some pictures from my week.

2008-10-18T18:57:00.001-07:00

Here is a look outside my bedroom window.

AND A LOOK INSIDE MY BATHROOM...

a look outside

2008-10-18T18:51:00.001-07:00

this was the mess that was left for me to clean up..on my birthday.

2008-10-12T18:10:00.000-07:00

Today. nothing too exciting happened.

the story so far

2008-10-09T21:28:00.000-07:00

so..since I left New York. I've been living here in Schuamburg, Illinois. and its ILL. not in a good way. i mean its nice and all but theres nothing to do here. seriously. i havent done anything but work since ive been here! sort of driving me nuts.

this is a suburb part of illinois and theres no public transportation. walking here seems like youre getting nowhere and takes you forever becuase all the roads are exteremely long. I love my apt. but....not my roomates so much. well at least one of them.

This is Adiel..the guy who complains a lot. about everything. hes jewish..and really nice..sometimes. but he needs to stop complaining if he wants to see the nice side of me.

This is my bed. I sleep right next to the window.

On the morning of my first day off of work at around 7:45 am i was awakened by the sound of what sounded like a massive machine! sure enought they were cutting down trees right outside my window. i was pissed. i took pictures. if they were any closer i wouldve punched 'em.This is the machine. I think its bedtime.

New York.

2008-10-08T21:51:00.000-07:00

I finally decided to get out of LA and start fixing myself. I moved to Brooklyn NY. with just a duffel bag. i had never been there before so i was really fucking surprised when i saw how "just like the movies" it was. i loved it immediately. it was a while before i actually got to see any thing in NY.. i spent a lot of time in east village. because that's where sahar worked. I don't have any pictures really. but i can guarantee you that all of Manhattan is epic! i miss it already. well i did go to times square one night,.it was nice.

Times Square.

Toys R Us..

My first few weeks i did nothing. I tried finding work but i was kind of depressed so i said FUCK IT. and just stayed home. it was a while before i got to see my first show. Brandon Perry was my fun guide while i was there. he would text me and tell me what was going on and where. so i heard there was this show at a place called the tank..id been doing my research.

Screaming Females.Best Friends Forever.and some other band played that night.i didnt know anyone but still enjoyed the familiarity of the crowd. and the smell of the beer that i couldnt have.=[

well heres a few pics.

This guy is too fast.

This was the last band of the night, i have no idea who they were their name was hard to understand. but they were extremely drunk and it was awful. fun. hard to listen to. and very photogenic.
Coincidence that his but was pointing my way

All of a sudden this guys pants were off, which i really didnt mind, and he sticks a bowl in his underwear and starts drumming on it. He was wasted. but not the least bit shy, =] this made the night worth the stress of getting lost later that night.

This night was amazing. i had met this really cute guy who lived across the hall. and i would run into him everytime i stepped out the door. so one night i asked him if he would let me borrow a movie. he said he didnt live there and he only had one movie. he was just staying there until school started so he could move into his dorm. he let me borrow GANGS OF NEW YORK. i had never seen it before. and the whole experience on my portable dvd player probably wasnt as good as it couldve been. but it was fairly entertaining. the next day i was supposed to give it back. but didnt catch him before i left. so i left him a note on my door.

I drew a little pictue of a guy holding balloons,. each balloon had a letter that spelled out his name. so that night when i got home i found a really cool drawing that he did. and a note. it said "cool no problem." ahahha

its the one on the top.the duck is a picture my friend ally drew for lots o crap.and the photo was taken by my best friend Steven Sanchez. Then i knocked on my neighbors door to give him his movie back. and he asked if i wanted to hang out. luckily brandon had told me about this Steel Drum Parade in downtown brooklyn that started at 2am and wasnt going to end til the sun comes up.

I'm sorry. but all the pictures i took came out way too dark to post. but the whole thing was great. there were hundreds of drums. and a bunch of people. the whole vibe there was entirely positive. and just an overall great experience.

anyway this is Brandon.This is my kick ass neighbor from my apt in brooklyn. he lived across the hall where the drawer kid was staying. he has terets..and i think it great.
Sahar and I at home. chillin.

subways. my balloons...i made this the day before i moved here.

stickers. and bobby pins.

A.

2008-10-05T19:16:00.000-07:00

This is my first post. I'vce decided to quit uploading pics to flickr and just write a blog. mostly to helpe me remember my life.

My name is Deseret..
(Dez-er-ray). I move around a lot from place to place. right now..im currently in Schaumburg, IL.
I spent most of my life in Los Angeles...and i love LA. but as of now. i dont want to go back.
anywho...
lets start with some photos...
I used to do this thing with my friend, Jon and my ex, Crow. called Ports O Call, but Crow and i broke up so i didnt stick around. but this photo was taken at the ports o call bedroom.

This is me.

This was my bike. Paris Sport.

This is Sahar and I in NY. He always wants to take pictures, but hes really bad at it.

he has the tendancy to ask complete strangers if theyll take a picture of us. its so embarassing.

whatever.

Then there's the smell. my home away from the home ive never had. i love this place so much. and I am ever so greatful for my friend, Jim Smith, for keeping this place running.

I'm glad i could be apart of it.

(in this photo-some of us who help out at the smell. a piece of the smell family. =]